Rummele's Winter Catalog Cover

Makeup: Colour Law

Hair: Christopher Cody Hartl and 

Jessica Rodinelli

A photographer I had worked with a handful of times (All-Star Studios) was designing the Rummele's winter catalog (in the Manitowoc, WI area). The owner loved an image the photographer and I had captured at a previous shoot and asked for it to be reshot but with the model wearing Rummele's jewelry that they wanted highlighted. The photographer asked me to model again, the only issue was I no longer had the hair! (This was shortly after the hair butchering fiasco) We had to think fast... 

I was instructed to find a wig that looked as close to my old hair as possible. Oh boy! The trick was to find something on an unemployed budget, that looked natural, and that was similar to my cut, style, and length so we could reproduce this image as closely as possible. Another photographer gave me a suggestion for a wig shop in town (PHEW! Thank you!)...I had one day to find this thing. 

I walked into the store and let the owner know what I was looking for. She had ONE blonde wig. It didn't match my color exactly, and it was quite a bit shorter than what my hair had been at the time of the original image, but it was all I could find with the amount of time given. I sent a pic to the photographer to get his approval. I had also remembered a friend of mine talking to me about extensions at one point, so I sent her a message. She selflessly GAVE me her blonde extensions, saying she'd probably never go blonde again anyway. She helped me out last minute, and they worked perfectly to give me that extra length that I needed. 

So the day of the shoot... there was a lot of ridiculousness that occurred that was just plain ol' silly and unrelated to the shoot. It was a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I was running a bit behind...It was one of those days, you know the ones... the ones where every single thing you touch, falls, breaks, makes a mess, etc.  During the early morning hours (I had not gone to sleep yet), I had been at my parents house, and accidentally dropped my dad's iPad... he loves that thing... The screen was slightly cracked...which grew into a bigger and bigger crack... Oh no... My stomach was all sorts of twisted. Once he woke up, I knew I had to tell him. I did, I cried, I felt terrible. I had to pull myself together, I had barely gotten any sleep the way it was due to this and the amount of guilt I had, and now I was puffing up my face by crying like a baby. I was responsible for my own makeup, which was a task in itself with the waterworks. And I had a bit of a drive ahead of me yet. With being behind, I wasn't sure I would have enough time to pick up the extensions... I texted the photographer to let him know the situation, he gave me the go ahead to pick them up even if it meant I was going to be a few minutes late. I was finally on my way, and making good time. Then dad called. I'm still feeling incredibly bad about the iPad situation, and my makeup couldn't be worked on again! He was calling to let me know that something in my car was leaking, and I needed to get it checked before driving very far-the photographer lived an hour away, and I was nearly there. During this conversation, I ended up missing my exit. I was actually going to be on time, too! The next exit was about 15 minutes away, and once I turned around, we're at about a half hour of me being late. Again, I'm feeling terrible! I call the photographer to let him know, fortunately he was understanding. 

Ridiculous, right? 

There were a few more incidents at the actual shoot. What a goofy day! Once the photographer started shooting, he made a comment (not knowing what I had just gone through) "These pictures are looking great... you just look really sad for some reason." Oh crap. Apparently my makeup couldn't cover up the lack of sleep, the hours of craziness, and the tears. Well, no excuses. Now that I know that, I have to work extra hard to convey the proper emotion for this shoot. It doesn't matter if my face is puffy, I have to FEEL it and make the viewer FEEL it. 

A funny little tidbit: I had asked the photographer if the owner of Rummele's knew that the model in the image he chose didn't have that hair anymore... he said "Nope... I was hoping we could figure that part out!" With the wig, I was able to incorporate some of my natural hair, and the extensions worked out perfectly... And this has all come in handy several times since! Thank you to those who helped out with that part! 

Fortunately, the shoot went well overall. The cover image that was chosen is shown here... Credits: H/MUA-myself, jewelry-Rummele's.

We got the shots we needed and then some... we even had time to play around with some other ideas, completely unrelated to the catalog. It was great to just experiment and let loose after a productive and partially stressful day. We were able to come up with a few things the photographer hadn't tried before. That's when it gets really fun. When the creativity comes out! :) To see more from this shoot, please check out my artist page: www.facebook.com/NFGartist  You'll find them in the Modeling 2 album.

It was an exciting day when I was tagged in the image below... the brochure was in the paper. I jumped around exclaiming "My face is in 10,000 places!!!" for most of the day. Pretty neat to see the hard work in print... to be able to find a way around some of those obstacles, it was a great feeling. While this is still pretty small scale, it was the largest thing I had been a part of at the time. And I am thankful for the opportunity and to those who helped me trample those obstacles. :)

But I don't WANT to style this butchered hair!

Andrew Kufahl asked to do a one on one model photoshoot with me, unlike the concept shots we did at the end of his 365 project...and he wanted to do this wig-less. Crap. If you remember correctly, my hair was horribly butchered around this time: When everything came to a screeching halt... And I hadn't been very comfortable in front of the camera or even in every day life for quite some time. I hadn't actually done anything with my hair on my own since the cut (I have done the majority of my own hair and makeup for shoots beforehand). I didn't WANT to do anything with my hair. We weren't on speaking terms just yet. But, I liked working with Andrew, and I trusted him. Sooo...I sucked it up!

"Evaluating thoughts..."

I had very long hair for a good chunk of my life, until I started donating it... then once every two years or so, I'd end up with short hair-but still ponytail length. I know how to do all kinds of things with THAT hair. But with THIS hair? Absolutely clueless! It had been growing fairly quickly due to all the crazy things I was trying in order to speed up the process. But it was still very much not me, and very much not what I had asked for. I had to just jump in and see what I could figure out. As I started messing around with it, Andrew gave me feedback with what fit his vision for this shoot. He started using the prep time as a time for shooting-as much as I didn't enjoy this. ;) I loosened up a bit, and we were already getting some great shots! Ok ok, I guess he kind of knows what he's doing...

Dreamers...

I kept working on developing the hair style... eventually I needed help and put Andrew to work. I was going to try some sort of crazy pretty yet edgy Mohawk type 'do... Andrew helped me out with the parts I couldn't reach or see. And I actually ended up liking the final product, I couldn't believe it! (I still hated my hair... :P )

We shot for hours and hours and hours. We got a huge variety of looks. We played around with lighting. We did all of this in my tiny bathroom. Yes. My very plain bathroom that is only big enough for a toilet and brown sink. That wasn't the original plan AT ALL. I believe we had a goal of working outside, but the weather wasn't cooperating, so we adjusted...Once he started taking photos, we just couldn't stop and didn't feel the need to move elsewhere. We were getting amazing shots all in this one very small place! A great example of using what you've got... the location, the weather, the hair, none of that has to be ideal... but you can find ways to make it work. You can find ways to USE these things like you never imagined.

Persuasion...

Another great thing that I had the pleasure of experiencing during that shoot was observing another photographer. I always find it fascinating, to see the differences between photographers, or between a photographer and my style. I love seeing the creative process they all go through. I was blown away and so overly thrilled to see Andrew's creativity at work. The way he used that space and the lighting... existing lighting or his own lighting, or a variety... Gah! So cool! A true artist. 

Thank you, Andrew, for forcing me to TRY with that wretched 'do. There is so much beauty out there, but if you can't see/find it, MAKE IT. And I think we did just that. :)

Listen to your gut!

I have worked very hard to establish a certain kind of image for myself as a model... It is based off of my personal preference of what I will/will not do, and has helped me attract the kind of photographers I really love working with and click well with... and I think it has helped me avoid photographers who do work that I am not interested in doing. If you remember from my earlier posts, I kind of got the modeling ball rollin' through some of those group shoots. They are such a great way to meet a bunch of people all at once- perfect for networking and safer because you're usually around a pretty large group of people. There was one group shoot, though, that taught me a very important lesson, a lesson I had already known and had avoided having to actually experience because of the precautions I have always taken...

As with any group shoot, you never know who will show up. You don't get to see their work ahead of time, and they don't get to see yours. You don't get to check references either. I was one of the featured models for this particular shoot, with a character/theme, and there were parts of the costume that made me nervous upon my assignment-I thought it had potential to be taken in an inappropriate direction if put into the wrong hands...but I knew a bunch of the people in charge, most of the photographers, etc. so I brushed it off, assuming that in this setting, with all these people I know, I won't be put into an uncomfortable position. 

On the day of the shoot, before I was even finished with styling/makeup, a photographer had approached me to start shooting--he was antsy, we were running behind, so his "pushiness" seemed to make sense. I let him know how we're being shuffled around and that I still had a few pieces left to my look, but will definitely work with him as soon as I was able. He approached me a couple other times early on, eventually I went to work with him. Everyone was in the same room, so nothing was private--made me feel an extra sense of safety. But I started to have a weird feeling, that pushiness was still there. 

We started shooting... He'd pose me, and then he'd mess around with lights/camera stuff... No big deal, that's how it works... So I'd break the hard-to-hold pose because it was impossible to hold for a handful of minutes and didn't make sense to continue to hold while he wasn't ready to shoot anyway... At first I thought he was just giving me a hard time when he'd tell me "You broke the pose!" But he repeated this, after other difficult poses... I soon felt he was seriously scolding me. Some of his poses made me incredibly uncomfortable,  not just because they were difficult to hold, but I worried they were going to look "sleazy"....so when he'd tell me to get into that position, I'd "clean it up" a bit to the point I felt comfortable...he wasn't ok with that, and would push me to do what he wanted. The wording he'd use just elevated my level of discomfort... this all felt "trashy"...Very much not the image I want to portray in my work... Am I just overreacting? 

People had walked by us and told me that I'm really lucky to be working with this guy, he's so good, etc.  So even though I felt he was putting me into inappropriate poses, again, I brushed it off--everyone says he's so great, so maybe this just feels worse than it looks...? Maybe I am just being too uptight? Maybe we're just not clicking that well, but that doesn't mean the images will be as bad as this feels, right? But I became more and more frustrated with the things he'd make me do and his harsh tone... he'd cut me off, he'd scold me for breaking poses, he push and push to get what he wanted, one issue after another...I had never had this many problems with a photographer, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to be rude or mean, I didn't want to ruin any of this for anyone. He didn't seem to understand the difficult poses he was putting me in, and he sure as heck didn't seem to catch on that I was incredibly uncomfortable with the nature of them. The look on my face had to just scream "I'm hating this!!!" Eventually, I just stopped talking completely, I closed up, and just waited for this to be over. More signs you'd think would be easy to read... I still tried to tell  myself that the photos have GOT to look better than they felt... I was able to fit in 2 of my own poses (I can take direction and I don't mind it, but I do love "collaborating" with a photographer and finding my own poses... All photographers are different...this photographer preferred to control the poses himself...there is no right or wrong, just preferences/styles), so that also gave me hope. I had a very difficult time getting myself to enjoy the rest of the group shoot after working with him, so many things felt so wrong... I actually felt "dirty" in a way! I was so worried about those images. I tried to shake these feelings as best as I could for the rest of the shoot. The bad feeling only returned after the shoot, that pretty much the only thing I could think about! I didn't want to ruin my image. I didn't want to be put in a tricky situation on the Internet. But all I could do was wait, and hope.

Then one day I logged into facebook and was horrified. He had posted one of the images that I was most dreading to see. And guess what? I felt it looked just as inappropriate as I had feared and went against that image I have worked so hard to build up over the past couple years. Oh crap! Now what?! Now there's this image that portrays me in a way that I do NOT want to be seen, I feared that image would attract exactly what I don't want. I was torn.

I confided in two photographer friends, I needed a professional photographer's opinion... I needed to know from their perspective, "If a model wasn't comfortable with an image you took of them and posted, is it ok for them to let you know that in a professional and respectful way? And what would you do?" Both assured me that any professional photographer would understand and not take offense, they want the model to like the image and to be comfortable with it, especially. But I'm an artist, I know how difficult it can be to receive criticism, and I didn't want to offend this photographer. After taking some time to think about it, I reminded myself of how hard I have worked for my "image"...and that I do not want this photograph to change that image and open me up to the type of work I do not want to do. I was frustrated looking back at that shoot, he wouldn't listen to me, he was so pushy, he'd yell at me, etc...but all that aside, I was most angry at myself. Despite the handful of people who had walked by talking this photographer up, despite the fact it was a group shoot, despite the fact that he was so pushy and I'm just a quiet girl, Iiiiii did NOT feel comfortable with the things he was making me do. Iiiiii should have listened to that side of me and done something about it, even if he kept cutting me off, I should have kept trying to stand up for myself (as professionally and respectfully as possible). I don't like conflict, I don't want to make people upset, but THIS is not a good situation to find yourself in either. So I carefully constructed a message, trying to be respectful and cautious. I didn't want to demand anything, I was just hoping we could talk and come to an understanding. I let him know I wasn't comfortable with some of his poses but did not know how to express that while we were shooting... and that I was not comfortable with the image he posted, I do not feel it is a good representation of me as a model and where I'd like to go with modeling. I asked him if he would consider removing the photo. I let him know that I had looked at some of his other work and was a fan, and that I was interested in seeing some of the other images he shot of me from that day, and that I appreciate him making the trip to the group shoot and working with me. And then I had to wait again...

Simply put, the photographer's response to my message lead me to believe he did not understand where I was coming from, unfortunately... BUT he did end up removing the photo, thankfully... And well, he also removed ME from his contacts...

So the lesson from this experience was to never let my guard down... While I had worked hard to avoid situations like this, that did not make me immune. I caved in and didn't listen to my gut at all that day. I listened to everyone else and crumbled under this photographer who I felt intimidated by. I was the one in that situation and I knew that it wasn't right. I was so mad at myself for not holding my ground better the day of, for making excuses as to why I must have been over thinking things...However, I am thankful for the lesson and that it came in the form of a group shoot, rather than something more serious and in private. 

It is so important for you to know what you are/aren't willing to do, and if possible, communicate this clearly with the photographer's you'll be working with ahead of time. (If you aren't able to discuss this ahead of time, like in this situation, personally I believe you still have a right to communicate if you are uncomfortable and the photographer has a responsibility to listen-you need to listen to each other.) You need to know the kind of image you want to "sell" and don't cave in if someone pushes you in the opposite direction, no matter what the situation is...It is YOUR image on the line. No side is wrong, as far as what kind of image you choose to sell, as I mentioned earlier it is personal preference. Where I am, at this stage of modeling, I feel I have to be very careful with what I open myself up to... and images like the one that photographer posted I feared would open up the wrong doors for me. 

Assistant turned model

I was supposed to assist for a photoshoot for Dan Frievalt... it was going to be a personal project for him, with a model. When I showed up, there was no model...and we couldn't get in touch with her. Turns out she lived a few hours away and was having car troubles. Thankfully she was okay, but she wasn't going to be able to make the shoot. 

Dan still had the itch to shoot, so he looked at me and said "Do you want to model?" I have modeled for him several times before, and LOVE his work...but I was sooo not in model mode! It usually takes hours to do hair/makeup/wardrobe. We were running out of daylight FAST... But how could I turn down a random chance to model for Dan friggin Frievalt?! I remembered I actually had a few things in my car, including a couple new wigs (saves time on hair!) and outfits I had just gotten, and a little bit of makeup... and Dan had some more makeup! What are the chances?! We worked quick to throw together a decent look, and off we went! 

The sunset was beautiful. We found an amazing location, which we had to scout at high speed. There wasn't time to think very much, we had to just start shooting. We lost track of time and kept working into the dark, until we realized it must be much later than we planned on being out...and it sure was! Oops! 

This was something pretty new for me... usually I hate my picture being taken, unless I am in "model mode"... I like to be prepared for this stuff. We lucked out that we had enough supplies to actually make me model-ish! And the location was absolutely inspiring. We definitely got into the "zone" and I think we got some great shots! What a great experience. :) 

To see more from this shoot, check out my artist page: www.facebook.com/NFGartist

Self-portraits and art

I was never one of the "pretty girls"...To most people, I was always the quiet girl who wore band t-shirts and jeans. I actually hate my picture being taken. How did I end up here?!

My first love was music. Second, was art. I always had that need to create. I remember drawing ever since I was little. I doodled in school like crazy...picked up photography in probably highschool-taught by dad. Dabbled in painting. Picked up more and more instruments. While I got good grades in all subjects, it was obvious what I was passionate about... I needed to do something creative. Here are some early sketches/doodles/drawings from back in the day...

Notebook doodles, highschool



Pastel, highschool

 

Reverse charcoal, highschool

So I went to college and majored in art. Despite my main interest being  drawing, my emphasis ended up in painting simply because of which classes I could get into first. While it wasn't at all what I thought it would be, I did learn a thing or two. I studied art history, learned about the art elements, worked with metal, worked with wood, worked with things I've never heard of before. I had my definition of art, but  had to learn to open my mind-other people had different definitions of art. I had to learn how to distance myself from my work, which was a difficult thing considering how personal art is. I'd get ripped apart in critiques, sometimes without explanation as to why the professor simply thought my work sucked-that's always fun to try to figure out. I had to be able to create in all forms, all day, every day, for 3 years. I had to go from drawing, to jewelry, to textiles, to photography, to graphics. I had wanted to graduate early, so this was a bit more than the average art major was advised to take at one time. Here are some images of work I did in college...



Still life, from college

Mixed media, from first college art class

Charcoal self portrait from college

Senior year, mixed media painting

I did indeed graduate a year early, and after my experiences, I was tired of art. I just didn't have any desire AT ALL to draw, to paint. My idea of art was torn to shreds, I wasn't sure I knew how to independently create anymore, and some of those critiques were tough to bounce back from. It wasn't just that I was lost with what to do with my art, I think I just really hated it. A sad thing when I've loved it my whole life. I couldn't be completely walk away from it though, as my plan was to pursue a career in graphic design. I also happened to fit in one photography class my senior year. I had an awesome professor who was encouraging and I was inspired by this medium. Anyone who knows me knows I usually take a camera with me where ever I go, so there was already an interest there. Playing with a camera artistically though? I had a little bit of fun with it. ;) 

After graduation, I took a bit of time off, but wanted to keep working on my graphics/photoshop skills and continue playing with the camera. So I started self-portraits. Often times my ideas would pop into my head late at night when I couldn't sleep, I was the only available model. My ideas weren't very elaborate. They eventually grew to be a little bit more involved. But from the beginning, I usually did put a lot of time into things like hair/makeup ideas, and photoshop. I started shooting these with a small point and shoot, on manual mode. I didn't have a job, and I didn't have a nicer camera-besides film. It didn't matter, this was for me to practice. 

I eventually invested into a DSLR. I wanted more control over my settings. And I didn't want to have to photoshop things like depth of field anymore! This allowed me to expand my ideas more and more, and to get better quality images, with more control.

I eventually found that graphic design job, worked there for a few years, and then to make a long story short... it ended. Now what? 

As I mentioned in my very first blog post, I ran across this photography/model group in the area, and the photographer/creator of the group posted that he needed an assistant. Well, I know a little about photography, that sounded like fun! Read more about this experience here: http://nfgartist.blogspot.com/2012/08/all-in-one-spot.html

Since I already had photos of me before I ever started modeling, photographers could immediately see what kind of modeling abilities I had-to an extent. And they could see that I liked the artsy and emotional side of things. I think this is what set the stage for where I've gone with modeling...

But back to self-portraits...The more people you meet, the more images you see, the more life experiences you have, the more you have to draw from creatively. All of that stuff adds up, and pops out in some form, hopefully in YOUR own unique and creative way. My self-portraits continued. Whether I had photographers begging me to shoot or not, I was always getting decent, creative images out there, and that made me perfectly happy. And it is much easier to be patient with other photographers while they work on your images, for weeks, months, or a year if you have other things going on like spending hours upon hours working on your own art. ;) It also set the bar in a way, for what kind of photographers I'd be willing to work with. I am fairly competent with photography, and I have some creativity in me. I enjoy working with people in a similar boat-who are constantly looking to grow, who can push me, who are creative, who treat photography as an art form. I'm not in this for pretty pictures of myself. I'm in it to create, explore, learn.

Here are a few more self-portraits... I kept trying to push myself...

 

 

 

Well, I fear this post is getting much too long... so I will continue this another day, where I may discuss more of the creative side of things behind my work. So keep an eye out for a part two...

In the meantime, feel free to check out more of my self-portraits on my artist page: www.facebook.com/NFGartist

A whole new level of photography...AND modeling.

So there was this WI photographer I was told I need to know...We became facebook friends, sent a few messages back and forth, and I became a huge fan of his work instantly--absolutely phenomenal talent! It took a few months, but finally in August 2011, Andrew Kufahl and I met in person for the first time.

We had talked about working together prior to the new haircut, but afterwards, I was on a break... I didn't feel comfortable in front of a camera, and I had no clue how to style this butchered 'do. He told me to just let him know when I was ready. Well what the heck, let's just meet and then that part is over with, we can discuss shooting together after that. We met up for lunch, and talked and talked and talked. Andrew is pretty dang quiet, and I can be too, but man, get us talking about what we're passionate about and we can't stop! By the end of that first meeting, Andrew was going to have me assist/model for one of his 365 shots...It would be his second to last shot of the project. Later, I was asked to be involved with the very last shot as well. Honored, to say the least.

In all honesty, this was the first shoot I was actually excited about since the hair situation...I almost had that passion and confidence back...in a weird way... considering how nervous I was. But this guy shoots sort of like how I would shoot my self-portraits... where it is more about the emotion (or story), rather than the model and he'd invest HOURS into a shoot to ultimately walk away with ONE shot. This was so unlike the usual model shoots I was used to. My face was probably not going to be shown, and I was probably going to have a wig on... Perfect! And I got to work with someone who I have become a huge fan of over the past half a year or so. :)

I met Andrew at a train station about 45 minutes from where I lived... around 10pm at night. I got some styling help from a model friend. It was absolutely fascinating watching how these pieces of art were created. I had done many self portraits, but not anywhere near this level. His attention to detail and focus just blew me away. On top of that, he was also very polite and aware of "the model"...making sure I'm ok, that I'm comfortable, that I don't break an ankle walking through rocks/train tracks, that I'm ok running over and over and over for THE shot...in heels. I don't think I got to bed until after 4am that night. I couldn't believe that this guy was doing this every single day, for an entire year! This was the final image from that night...

Day 364 of 365 - She knew just as well as he did, that he was never coming back...

The next day, I drove back down to Andrew's neck of the woods for the very last image from his 365 project. He had a friend along to assist and take some behind the scenes video. Now this is where I stepped into a totally new world of modeling... If you look through Andrew's work, he has a wide range of emotions, subject matter, poses, expressions, techniques, etc. This particular shot had quite a bit of humor to it, not something I've really ever modeled... On top of that, I needed to not be so focused on model "prettiness" and posing, but full fledged emotion... and exaggerated emotion! What a challenge. I had to let go. I had to get out of my comfort zone in so many ways... Here I had just met this guy, and I had to pretend to be his girlfriend consoling him while he got a tattoo on his tush... What a great way to get to know someone, have 'em drop their drawers while real customers of the tattoo shop walk by...and as I'm just inches away from his face, I had to make the goofiest expression I've ever made for a photo, all while trying not to burst into a giggle fit while he made a ridiculous face...NOT easy! And I failed several times. (Seriously, look at these expressions?! How can ya keep a straight face?!)

Day 365 of 365 - The End

While this isn't the prettiest picture of me, it taught me so many things, and I am so very thankful that Andrew included me on these two shots! He changed the way I thought about photography, story telling, self-portraits, and modeling after these two shoots. 

Andrew and I have worked together quite often in the past year. We realized we view photography and art in a very similar way. I remember after our first meeting, I dubbed him my "photography soul mate"...I have "clicked" well with photographers before and have worked with a handful of them numerous times, lovin' every second of it... but this was different. We do a different type of photography and modeling. There are plenty of stories to tell and even more photos to show from my work with Andrew, so stay tuned!

To see more of Andrew's work: www.facebook.com/AndrewKufahl (including candids, BTS videos, other projects, etc) or www.flickr.com/photos/arkufahl

To see/order Andrew's 365 book: www.blurb/com/bookstore/detail/2505492 

When everything came to a screeching halt...

I have had so many great experiences through modeling... I have met some really great people, have found an unexpected creative outlet, and have had a hand in making some beautiful pieces of art. But as with anything, there are the occasional bumps in the road. NOTE: This is NOT the worst thing in the world, but it did effect my life. I've dreaded writing this blog because I don't want to sound whiney or superficial... I had to decide whether or not I wanted to share the "bad" parts of my journey... I think I have to. I want to be honest, and I think there are lessons from every experience in life. I had to learn a few lessons the hard way. This was one of those cases...

Every two years or so since probably highschool, I chop my hair and donate it. Well it was getting to be that time again... Several people tried to talk me out of it-they liked the long hair and enjoyed shooting me with it. ;) But donating it means something to me. Plus, it was time for a new look anyway! Here are some before shots...

I had a style picked out for quite a while... I wanted it to be edgier, but allow me to be able to do a lot with it. It had to still be pony-tail length. I warned everyone who was booking shoots with me, but reassured them of the length. I had talked with the stylist for at least a month, in person and through facebook messages, including sample photos, we both seemed to be very excited about this new look. 

Without getting into too much detail, things went horribly horribly wrong... Everything I asked for, the opposite was done. My hair was supposed to be ponytail length... instead, it ended up being approximatey 1.5" long, I asked for NO bangs, I got bangs that I couldn't even bobbypin back. It was choppy, uneven, and about 8" too short! I filled out the papers to donate my hair, and got out of there before bursting into tears. 

Had this been any other year, it still would have sucked but at least I would have an easier time with the mentality that "it'll grow back" or "it is just hair"... THIS year though, I was pursuing modeling... a field where it matters how you look... Your hair is a tool. This affected shoots I had booked and I wouldn't be able to donate my hair again for a looong looong time. There were several other situations in my personal life that made this event even more heartbreaking, along with what happened during the actual appointment and the rumors of why. It was embarrassing. It was a BAD haircut, for more reasons than just being too short, and I was stuck with it. It crushed my plans/goals/options. Every time I'd touch it, or see it, I was reminded of this, and could only wonder why. But what can you do? It is gone. It doesn't matter why or how. It. Is. GONE. I can not change it...I had to figure out how to move on from it... I cried and panicked for 3 days, googled just about anything having to do with hair that I could find, would NOT take my beanie off (in June)... I went to 3 different hair stylists to see if ANYTHING could be done (Extensions? Too short. Any cool styling options? Too short for any styling tools. Anything left to cut? Nope plus I'm not sure I would have let them!)  I looked into anything and everything I could find to help hair grow faster or at least how to keep it super healthy (which encourages as much growth as possible). Some of these things were not pleasant AT ALL...One treatment I swear smelled like horse pee! Vitamins I took made me want to hurl. I was that desperate to get back on track... to at least get it to a length where something could be fixed or styled. I was able to get about an inch a month for a while.

While I was trying to "fix" what I could, I took a bit of a break from modeling. I turned down shoots (I had been shooting probably 5 times a week -at least- prior to the cut) but eventually decided I would find a way to pursue modeling despite this horrid new look and how it made me feel. I decided Iiiiiii shouldn't have to be the one embarrassed, Iiiii shouldn't have to be the one that feels I need to HIDE. I didn't ask for this. And no one deserves to have that kind of control over me. I dreaded EVERY shoot for a while... This hair wasn't ME, it felt so negative and hurtful... I had no clue how to style it... it constantly made me wonder "why" someone would do this... but I tried to "ignore" it as much as you can ignore your own head, and forced myself to do these shoots...

From the Tribal group shoot

Photographer: Mark Anderson

The first shoot I had after "the butchering" (as I like to call it), was the group shoot Tribal. I had been chosen as one of the Tribal 12, prior to the haircut... so I couldn't just back out. I went in for the hair stylist to check out my head, she was going to have to construct a whole new look for me. I remember riding with a friend to that shoot, only a few weeks after the hair change, and my stomach was in knots, I didn't want to be there! I didn't want people to see me, and I sure as heck didn't want people touching my hair or taking my picture... The hair stylist ended up doing a great job, getting really creative with it. And my photographer/model friends were very supportive (and they were throughout this whole hair nightmare!).

It has taken me over a year to get my hair to be about where it should have been... I had to learn to play a new character... much like I do in modeling anyway. I openly admit that I felt the need to overcompensate in my day to day life by loading up on dresses--I'm a girl, because I wear dresses! (I was never the kind of girl who wore dresses!) My hair was probably the healthiest it has been for a while, because I wouldn't style it (I still didn't want to touch it) or do ANYTHING to it, except for shoots, which weren't happening as much. I think I got stronger, it challenged my problem solving skills, it tested my passion for what I do... I didn't quit. And I also learned some valuable lessons about the balance of trust.

I am so glad that I had some really great photographers to help me continue modeling... you'll see/hear more about these later in several of the next blog posts or groups of photos added to my artist page. Thank you to those who helped me through this!

To see more pictures from the Tribal shoot: www.facebook.com/NFGartist