Monday, March 17, 2014

My long lost blog

For a while now, I've felt like I SHOULD get back to blogging... it had been a while... more time passed... I reminded myself that next time I had a computer with internet access, "Just jump back in!" More time passed...

There are a million excuses. But the simple fact remains, I never made my way back here. There were other priorities at the time, and I really didn't know what to write about! I've never been one who believed in forcing these things... Just like forcing a painting, if it isn't driven by passion, it will probably suck. Or if you at least have the talent, it'll be good, but will lack that "IT" factor. This blog started out as a way to tell the stories about my experiences. To document the things I've been learning. It was another creative outlet, it was for me... parts of my life, of my passion that I wanted to share. It started getting to some difficult parts of the journey, where I questioned if I'd continue with this (modeling/photography in general), I lost a lot of trust in people, and all kinds of other struggles, blah blah blah...

The honeymoon stage was over.

And where I was in real time was so very different. I was over a lot of that stuff, yet going through the photos and trying to figure out what to write about them and how to do so, to be forced to reconnect myself to those things that I had let go of and did not want to be reattached to, it was a strange and uncomfortable  place to be.

So... where am I now? vs Where did I leave off?

Now (nearly a year?!): I'm still creating. I've been fortunate enough to have a gallery show with a photographer. I have also been able to find my way back into other creative outlets, such as painting, some of which have gotten into a few shows as well. I was painting and creating like crazy, basically! The show with the photographer was wonderful and included massive prints with custom made frames. More on that later. ;) Currently, I am sorting through the mess my lack of organization skills has left me with, taking inventory on the large amount of paintings I've created over the past year or so. I'm also building displays, so I can get these babies OUT there for you to see! These particular paintings are made of upcycled materials, and I've been creating the forms of display from upcycled materials, too. It has been a lot of work, but I love it all. I have also been traveling more than I ever thought possible-trying to enjoy this while I can and eliminate excuses. Every trip is life changing. These aren't vacations, as they are usually tied in with some sort of event/workshop/shoot. But I always make time to SEE something, to explore. I'm so thankful for these wonderful experiences that continue to help me grow.

Needless to say, I have also been learning a ton about life. How wonderful, seeing as that is one of my biggest sources of inspiration!

I've had some eye opening experiences. One of the things I've realized over the past few months is just how much I truly LOVE what I do. I mean, I must love it if I'm willing to put everything I've got into it, despite any financial return...despite what other's say...despite the struggles...despite the physical, mental, and emotional pain that sometimes comes along with it...despite the loooong hours... There are times when I'll run my body into the ground to the point where I'm about to collapse out of complete exhaustion and I'll hurt for weeks--thank goodness for a wonderful chiropractor and massage therapist! Yet it all feels amazing, because I'm doing what I love. And how incredible is that?

Another realization was that I was letting other people have an effect on me and my passion... I ran into a few who wanted to ruin it for me, or who used me, or who were selfish... I continue to run into those who don't believe in this or understand it... who don't value it... who judge it and me... who miss the whole point... There are those who tell me how it has to be done, and none of it fits with how I WANT to do this. Heck, sometimes what is suggested is completely against everything inside of me! And the fact I even let that sit in my brain for a while, I can't believe it. It makes this, what I do, exhausting... it takes the fun out of it. Who wants to have to cave into "selling out" just to have a taste of what they love? I want to be proud of my work, and I have been every step of the way! But what I realized is: it is not my art that is exhausting... it isn't my modeling, or any of my work... what is exhausting is listening to those things, and letting that distract me from the core of this... and what is at the core, is the fact that I simply LOVE what I do, regardless of how other's pursue their lives/passions or think I should pursue mine. I have always had a passion to create, I still have it. And I want to continue living it.

So not that this is any excuse for neglecting my blog, but I think it was necessary to let it slip away for a while... if I am not passionate about it, it isn't fair to you... it isn't fair to me. What's the point? I have to love it and want it in order to actually DO it. It can't be forced, it can't be fake. That just isn't me.

*deep breath*

I fought to clear all the crap away, so I can see things clearly and remember what was at the core of all the past, present, and future shoots--the passion of it, the art of it...and to let go of all the crap...but you know what? That "crap" is just as valuable, as there are a lot of lessons to be learned from it. I already knew that. For some reason I just needed a reminder. And I had to learn to take it a step further: Take that crap, learn those lessons, and learn to love it just the same.

Now...Let's see where I left off... ;)

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